i mean, on the surface, it's the perfect fairytale romance. the cute guy you've crushed on two years finally asks you out, and you rediscover your feelings for him. you get together, and it's great. he's romantic, thoughtful, buys you little gifts, plans outings together, and you get to hang out at his house and watch movies and cuddle. it doesn't hurt that he thinks you're beautiful, and he seems to love you. a lot.
unfortunately, i'm not the girl made for this kind of romance. for every nice thing he does for me, i seem to retaliate with something bad. i'm a horrible texter, i never pick up my phone, i forget about dates or oversleep for them, and i spend more time with other guys than i do him. well i guess maybe the last one kinda makes sense - my best friend is chun teng, and my clique of friends are all guys. even in school, i hang with ameer, a really cool indian dude, and the people we hang with are mostly guys too. i spend really little time with my bf actually - i'm a full time poly student in np's mass comm, while he's a firefighter in the scdf, doing 24h shifts. we don't get a lot of time together, esp with my busy school schedule. i'm meeting new people allll the time, while he's stuck in his station with the same old rota mates. naturally, me being me, i'm more curious about the people i had just met, rather than the boyfriend i already have had plenty of time to get to know. i guess this is the root problem of the relationship, the fact that i'm more interested in other people than my boyfriend.
*cue hysterical laughter* like sometimes, i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. zac is a wonderful, wonderful person, and i don't deserve him. i really don't. but all his friends are like "omg you're so lucky your girlfriend is so hot." and then i think to myself, is he the lucky one, or am I the lucky one. he's thoughtful. i'm not. he treats me well. i don't treat him well. i'm a shitty person. i don't even treat my boyfriend as my boyfriend. when i have problems, i usually keep them from him, so as not to make him worry. but he interprets it as me lacking trust in him, i guess. sometimes, i even forget to text him for a whole day because i'm more preoccupied with other stuff other than him. however, he makes time to come down to np to send me home after cca when he's free - and i feel incredibly guilty because i dont even know where he works.
but the point is, as we progress with this relationship, i'm starting to feel like i don't belong in the relationship anymore. i'm not the kind of girl that latches onto her boyfriend and clings to him 24/7, but i think that's the kind of girlfriend that zac needs. however i'm more of the kind that's really neglectful and thoughtless and non committal. guess why i got my "three month curse"? i could never be bothered enough to keep going on, because i don't have that level of love for the person to keep on trying, and i'm afraid this is what's happening right now.
I tried to explain myself to zac i guess, but i don't think it came out very well.
i just felt like typing all this out i guess, and hopefully something will come to me or something, i don't know. but right now i feel pretty fucked up and i just want to run away from this relationship thing haha damn.
Hello, random bloghopper here. I'd just like to give you some of my personal thoughts and opinion. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy. Sounds like someone every girl would want. If any girl got him they'd treasure him. I know I will. Heck, I'd even be clingy as fuck cause I don't want to lose him. You should treasure him. No relationship is ever sunshine and rainbows but, why relationship don't work is because one of the party isn't trying. From what I read, I think that you're not even trying. Your "three month curse"? There's no such thing. It's a made up thing. Something you made up yourself. Something where you can push the blame to for all your failed relationships. The hard truth is, the relationship fails because of you. Because you're not trying. When you try in a relationship, you don't feel like you don't deserve the person, you DO something to make you feel like you deserve this person. This something can be as simple as just returning all his sweet gestures. It could be delivering some home-made food while he is at work or baking some cookies just for him and him only. Why do you think that your boyfriend needs a kind of girl who latches to him 24/7. You're probably exaggerating here but, the thing is, when you have a clingy boyfriend/girlfriend, you feel loved, you feel like they care. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him cause from what I read, you're not showing your emotions to him enough. Now think, think of how he is. Think, does he make you feel loved? Yes? That's because he does all these things to make you feel loved while you, just sit there and receive but don't give. ALL your relationships are going to fail because of this. Because you receive but don't give. Relationships are a two way thing, you need to give too. What I can see here is that your boyfriend is unconditional towards you. He keeps giving and giving.
ReplyDeleteConclusion, face it. It's you. It's nothing, not even a small part of it being his fault. I assume you're about 18 years old? Girls mature earlier than guys but from what I read, it feels like you haven't matured at all. So, face it. You have to grow up. You have to treasure this. You have to start giving. You have to start putting in effort. You have to start giving him love. Before someone else starts giving love. Because once he's gone, you're going to regret it. You're going to regret it for your whole life. You're going to know him as your best relationship. As your boyfriend, as the one that got away. Maybe even when you're married, you're going to think back, and then you're going to be reminded of him. And then you're going to reminded of how foolish you were to have let him go, to have not shown him you love him, to have not shown him that he, is basically everything a girl wants. I really hope you treasure him and start being a better girlfriend.
-Cheers, Alice
Hello Alice,
DeleteI did read through what you said, and I completely agree with you. I had already realised I was the fucked up factor a couple weeks back. The problem is, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve this, and I can't bring myself to treasure it, in case it suddenly disappears, and so I'm just slowly but surely pushing him away. It's my birthday tmr, and today we went out and had a great time together, but the whole time I looked at him, and thought, he's great, but /he's not the one/. I didn't feel the spark when i looked at him, I didn't feel the rush of love i used to feel whenever he did something nice for me. This is why i stopped trying. I don't quite have the guts to break up with him yet, however. And everyone is just going on and on about how we're just the perfect couple, but I feel that this isn't it, I want out, but I don't know how. by the way, I guess I just turned 17 and you're not that far off haha. zac however, he's 22.
Love is more of nurture than nature. If you don't put in the effort, obviously you won't feel that you love him. For example, when you put so much effort into a project, and then you see it becoming successful, you feel that sense of satisfaction, you feel proud. That goes the same for a relationship. You feel proud, you feel a sense of satisfaction, you feel like it belongs that way but only if you put in that effort into loving him. Another way is that, you remember why you get into the relationship, remember all that little details on why you find him cute. Maybe the way he walks, or the way he says certain things. For example, I love my husband cause sometimes when he replies me, his nose wiggles a bit and that just drives me crazy because I think it's just so adorable. But, don't just keep reminding yourself of these things. Find new things, find out all the little things about him. Find new things about him you love. Progress, don't just keep looking back. Of you're going to argue that love is more of nature. Think of how people love their pets. They could've gotten any dog or any cat but, they loved the one they have, they don't go around and say, your dog is cuter than mine, I love your dog more than I love mine. They love theirs more cause they've been caring for theirs. A relationship works the same way. Right now, I just see it as you not wanting to care for him. You have to get rid of whatever that is stopping you from caring from him. Only then can your relationship with your boyfriend prosper.
Delete-Cheers, Alice
To add on, what you say doesn't make sense. You're scared to treasure him because you're scared of him disappearing so, you push him away? Are you listening to yourself. No one does this. People do the exact opposite. People treasure things when they're scared that it may disappear. Another example I can give you is, your friendships can disappear but, do you not treasure it? Do you not put effort into your friendships?
Delete-Cheers, Alice
Sorry, I meant, "As your best boyfriend" not just, "As your boyfriend".
ReplyDelete