i mean, on the surface, it's the perfect fairytale romance. the cute guy you've crushed on two years finally asks you out, and you rediscover your feelings for him. you get together, and it's great. he's romantic, thoughtful, buys you little gifts, plans outings together, and you get to hang out at his house and watch movies and cuddle. it doesn't hurt that he thinks you're beautiful, and he seems to love you. a lot.
unfortunately, i'm not the girl made for this kind of romance. for every nice thing he does for me, i seem to retaliate with something bad. i'm a horrible texter, i never pick up my phone, i forget about dates or oversleep for them, and i spend more time with other guys than i do him. well i guess maybe the last one kinda makes sense - my best friend is chun teng, and my clique of friends are all guys. even in school, i hang with ameer, a really cool indian dude, and the people we hang with are mostly guys too. i spend really little time with my bf actually - i'm a full time poly student in np's mass comm, while he's a firefighter in the scdf, doing 24h shifts. we don't get a lot of time together, esp with my busy school schedule. i'm meeting new people allll the time, while he's stuck in his station with the same old rota mates. naturally, me being me, i'm more curious about the people i had just met, rather than the boyfriend i already have had plenty of time to get to know. i guess this is the root problem of the relationship, the fact that i'm more interested in other people than my boyfriend.
*cue hysterical laughter* like sometimes, i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. zac is a wonderful, wonderful person, and i don't deserve him. i really don't. but all his friends are like "omg you're so lucky your girlfriend is so hot." and then i think to myself, is he the lucky one, or am I the lucky one. he's thoughtful. i'm not. he treats me well. i don't treat him well. i'm a shitty person. i don't even treat my boyfriend as my boyfriend. when i have problems, i usually keep them from him, so as not to make him worry. but he interprets it as me lacking trust in him, i guess. sometimes, i even forget to text him for a whole day because i'm more preoccupied with other stuff other than him. however, he makes time to come down to np to send me home after cca when he's free - and i feel incredibly guilty because i dont even know where he works.
but the point is, as we progress with this relationship, i'm starting to feel like i don't belong in the relationship anymore. i'm not the kind of girl that latches onto her boyfriend and clings to him 24/7, but i think that's the kind of girlfriend that zac needs. however i'm more of the kind that's really neglectful and thoughtless and non committal. guess why i got my "three month curse"? i could never be bothered enough to keep going on, because i don't have that level of love for the person to keep on trying, and i'm afraid this is what's happening right now.
I tried to explain myself to zac i guess, but i don't think it came out very well.
i just felt like typing all this out i guess, and hopefully something will come to me or something, i don't know. but right now i feel pretty fucked up and i just want to run away from this relationship thing haha damn.
