not sure about anything anymore except that i'm really pretty fucked up

tbh im fking scared of being in school now and it sucks because I know exactly why and I rly can’t overcome it it’s like my fear of heights. Feels like ive been committing social suicide ever since the shit that happened last year and lo and behold guess who’s in 3 of my classes and idk I just feel so shitty I don’t even feel like going to class anymore tbh esp if I have to look at his smug entitled face. Idk if like everyone knows but I guess everyone’s guessed and I feel so sick inside I really hate going to school also I feel damn pathetic bc I haven’t really had anyone to eat lunch with or hang out after sch ever since mz and after we broke up ive been pretty much alone in everything but here and there there are godsends like rongyin who had lunch with me last Thurs but I try to avoid everyone as much as I can bc idk if im actually wanted around bc of all my fiascos the past sems like im the resident screwup or whatever like I actually made ash angry last sem like the unflappable amiable Ashley hahaha great job Portia it’s so sad tbh I actl asked Rebecca and Amanda to tabao lunch with me today on the pretext of going through masina cause I didn’t want to eat alone again haha sometimes I look at the time when I wake up and I think to myself like hey what would happen if I just skipped school forever ha ha ha my mom would kill me and everyone would probably be pissed off with me and when I tell nick about these he just brushes it off like “you don’t have to fit in be different you can eat lunch alone you don’t have to give a fuck” but I really don’t want to be that lone girl eating in the middle of mkp with just her laptop for company and it’s just so sad. I don’t dare to talk to anyone else cause everyone’s in their established clique after three years and it’s so so so hard to keep trying and trying and im so fucking tired and I look in the mirror and I look so gaunt idk im happy that my cheeks are coming out but I see bones I haven’t seen before and im fking scared and the fiasco in Jan well it’s not great for my body and sometimes I think about it at night and cry and idk im just so fucking weak but I cant get my act together I don’t know what to do god I hate masscomm so much I cant wait to leave but I have no idea what to do for intern bc im terrible at eVERYTHING idk im so sad and so tired and we’re only halfway through week 2 doesnt help that i wake up every day in cold sweat and i try to shove it aside and put on my mask and try to pretend everything's okay but I'm really fking shaking inside