not sure about anything anymore except that i'm really pretty fucked up

tbh im fking scared of being in school now and it sucks because I know exactly why and I rly can’t overcome it it’s like my fear of heights. Feels like ive been committing social suicide ever since the shit that happened last year and lo and behold guess who’s in 3 of my classes and idk I just feel so shitty I don’t even feel like going to class anymore tbh esp if I have to look at his smug entitled face. Idk if like everyone knows but I guess everyone’s guessed and I feel so sick inside I really hate going to school also I feel damn pathetic bc I haven’t really had anyone to eat lunch with or hang out after sch ever since mz and after we broke up ive been pretty much alone in everything but here and there there are godsends like rongyin who had lunch with me last Thurs but I try to avoid everyone as much as I can bc idk if im actually wanted around bc of all my fiascos the past sems like im the resident screwup or whatever like I actually made ash angry last sem like the unflappable amiable Ashley hahaha great job Portia it’s so sad tbh I actl asked Rebecca and Amanda to tabao lunch with me today on the pretext of going through masina cause I didn’t want to eat alone again haha sometimes I look at the time when I wake up and I think to myself like hey what would happen if I just skipped school forever ha ha ha my mom would kill me and everyone would probably be pissed off with me and when I tell nick about these he just brushes it off like “you don’t have to fit in be different you can eat lunch alone you don’t have to give a fuck” but I really don’t want to be that lone girl eating in the middle of mkp with just her laptop for company and it’s just so sad. I don’t dare to talk to anyone else cause everyone’s in their established clique after three years and it’s so so so hard to keep trying and trying and im so fucking tired and I look in the mirror and I look so gaunt idk im happy that my cheeks are coming out but I see bones I haven’t seen before and im fking scared and the fiasco in Jan well it’s not great for my body and sometimes I think about it at night and cry and idk im just so fucking weak but I cant get my act together I don’t know what to do god I hate masscomm so much I cant wait to leave but I have no idea what to do for intern bc im terrible at eVERYTHING idk im so sad and so tired and we’re only halfway through week 2 doesnt help that i wake up every day in cold sweat and i try to shove it aside and put on my mask and try to pretend everything's okay but I'm really fking shaking inside

confusion

okay maybe less of confusion but helplessness.. i really dont know what i can do to make everything better seems like at every turn i pick the wrong one and everything fucks up all over again i tried to make things right but everything's still wrong and i feel terrible i just cant stop crying

happy new year (again)

it's been a year of ups and downs

more downs than ups actually

but it's alright

second year in a row i havent spent nye with my family, interestingly enough

i spent my nye at nick's playing mahjong with his mom and isaac and i pretty much lost all the way UNTIL the stroke of midnight like woah mate nice one and after that i still lost :') there goes my kiss of luck - i guess it's cause nick didnt give me a new year's kiss hais

after the game we went over to giant (at 2am!!! god bless 24h places) and bought 2 tubs of ben and jerry's as my forfeit for losing, and otw back i remarked "i'm sad i didnt see any fireworks this year." nick had to be a cunt and go "later i show you fireworks okay"

jerk

bitch had to watch anime in bed while i was trying to sleep then i gave him an ultimatum: IT'S ME OR THE ANIME

he chose the anime

i was sad

then he was like no bee don't sad and im like go away u chose anime over me shoo and he tried to kiss and cajole me and i was like nopenopenopenope then he got frustrated and said "i cannot kiss my wife is it" and im like since when im your wife u have no wife bitch HA and he was sad poor thing

im typing this while eating honey cereal i should be doing all my assignments sigh but procrastination....... and no one is awake yet except nick's helper warsi and she's on the phone in her room so i feel kinda lonely people need to wake up!!!

this haze...

is giving me respiratory problems i can't breathe sometimes or it hurts to breathe.
been getting heartburn recently too, and palpitations. what's going on omg i cri

new sem new start???

wonderful new sem no more jiaqi :')

but there's prashain i want to cri

got stuck with angelica and prashain for radio :')

feature seems okay i have ashley and i'm doing design so all's good. mbm also seems okay, there's jocelyn, cammy, regine and bernice. mbm best group so far i think.

let's see how the other classes play out

EDIT:

NAH EVERYTHING IS SHIT LMAO I HAVE PRASHAIN IN EVERYTHING ELSE THIS SEM IS A GONER gna quit school and sell drugs or something :')

why is everyone in the hospital???

a brief prologue:

my mom's gg for an op on tuesday bc of her ovaries so i gotta be at the hospital pretty much all the time after that and then nick has had a slipped disk (L5) since february and it's gotten a lot worse to the point that he can't even lie down straight so he has to go for surgery bc the pain is intense and he's losing sleep simply because the pain never goes away

so anyway he got admitted to NUH so they could dose him up with painkillers so he can lie flat for his mri and these meds are really helping him to sleep i am so grateful i havent actually seen nick sleep without a frown on his face for the past month.

today after work i went down to his ward with his green tea and some food bc he complains that the food sucks but i went in around 8.30 and found him sleeping it was so bloody adorable and i was so happy he was finally getting some rest i nearly cried. so anyway i didn't dare wake him up bc he looked so peaceful but a couple minutes later some nurses came in and TURNED ON THE LIGHTS and woke him up for some routine(?) exam and he was like huhwawhoyou whaddamidoing huh????? then he saw me and his face just lit up into the most amazing half asleep smile i have ever seen anyone make he's so fucking adorable. so when the nurses were done he sat up and tried to talk to me but he just mumbled incoherently so i made him go back to sleep but he wanted to stay up bc i was there and we planned to watch howl's moving castle but he looked completely out of it so i was like no bby youre going back to sleep so i tucked him in and sat there stroking his hair while watching inside out (i cannot tahan sadness and joy disgust is my favourite). 

made a little conversation with nick's wardmate(??? is that what they call it???) yeah apparently this dude (late thirties? early forties?) has a broken leg for the EIGHTH time bc he crashed his motorbike seriously dont you ever learn??? HAHAH

but yes a nurse came in about 9.30 

nurse: hi, do you want to stay the night

me: /panic/ 

me: ...no...... 

nurse: are you family, like are you his relative?

me: /panic/ 

me: /panIC/ 

me: /PANIC/ 

me: *o shit does girlfriend count as family hahahahaa THEN I DIDNT KNOW* 

me: uh ya i'm his family

nurse: /suspicious look/

nurse: u gotta leave by 1030 if you're not staying ah

me: ok

omg i do not do well in situations like these hahhhaha then i felt guilty cause i was prolly the last visitor so i left at 1015 but i had to wake nick up to say goodbye bc i couldnt bear the thought of him waking up all confused with me there one moment and not the next orz

so yeah i kissed him goodbye a lot then left and promptly got lost bc nuh is a fucking maze shit i damn luzer but i still got home before 1130 HEH

never let males name children they're terrible at it

so today i was over at nick's and we were just lying in bed talking about random things and suddenly we came onto to topic of children.

"what would you name your kid?" i asked.

"bob. so when i'm angry i can call him bobo. then his sister can be putang ina. and together they're putang ina bobo"

dota 2 players can suck cock and die

edit: i went to search up putang ina bobo and it means "ur fukin' motha" and i just HE JUST WANTS TO SCOLD ME IN A V ROUNDABOUT WAY THAT INVOLVES ME ACTUALLY HAVING TO GO THROUGH PREGNANCY AND LABOUR TWICE AND SIGN TWO BIRTH CERTS WITH PINOY SWEAR WORDS ON THEM I JUST

we threw a couple of names around because nick wanted 2 names just like his

robert (bob)
arthur (that's gay)
nathaniel (this is actually my favourite name for a boy - nick vetoed it because he knew a nathaniel and he was gay)
christopher (i liked it bc the short form was kit but he wasn't keen on naming his son after his dad)

also he was very confused as to why christopher shortened to kit (isn't it chris?! he says) or why robert was bob and william was bill and edward was ned and richard is dick and he didn't understand it
me: it's bc of the british...
n: but we aren't british fuck la i don't speak british english
me: but singapore standardises that
n: i speak singlish how
me: fuck you then you can call your son lengzai for all i care
n: (eyes light up) REALLY?
me: no?!??!?!?!?!

gabriel (so his son could be gabriel nicholas son of nicholas gabriel)
nick jr (ha ha ha)
putang (NO)

nick rattled off some for girls too

sarah (miss fortune)
lina(?) (something from dota)
ashe (really)
annie (no)

at this point i told him to stop naming names from games bc it was just sad

n: i definitely want mercedes i think it's a pretty name
me: (i'm not too sure about this because)
n: we should put her second name as benz bc like you're porsche so she's mercedes benz
me: (yeah no way nick)

me: cordelia's a beautiful name
n: no sounds gay
me: but she loved her father so much king lear all
n: then she stupid la die for the father
me:
me:
me:
me: but cordelia has the ia thing portia has the ia thing... portia and cordelia... it's nice...

n: ok we'll call her cordelia mercedes
n: actl no just call her putang ina

i give up